Mischaracterization of beliefs–a parody

Very often anti-mormons terribly misrepresent or mischaracterize LDS beliefs. Our doctrines are presented completely out of context and twisted so that they are hardly recognizable. CARM is an example of this practice.

I ran across a parody on the internet written by a Latter-day Saint in order to illustrate this problem. The parody claims to describe Christianity, but it does so in a manner not unlike that of anti-mormons. Admittedly, the parody goes far beyond the level that typical anti-mormons go in misrepresenting our beliefs. Nonetheless, it serves to illustrate the problem.


Christianity in a NutshellChristianity teaches that God is an immensely vast alien spirit. The Christian cult alleges this immense, cosmic, Lovecraftian demiurge is beyond comprehension, to even look on its terrible and incomprehensible form would consume your existence.
In the alien’s present god-state, it rules our world invisibly, has a unimaginably vast body which humans are not permitted to gaze upon. Its terrible true form is a mystery to all mankind, as it hides somewhere in the vastness of space, silently, darkly brooding over the unknowable machinations of its enigmatic alien intellect.


Christianity teaches that this titanic alien intellect sat brooding for untold billions of years before deciding to create humans on a whim as playthings. The megalomaniac alien God’s cruel game, created for his amusement, was ultimately to determine which of his creations would worship him and which would not.

Christianity alleges this immense alien entity called God created the earth and humanity itself out of the nothingness of chaos and, after six days of creating the earth, placed two of his experimental protohumans in a special laboratory. He allowed the humans to breed for five-thousand years, as the mysterious alien intelligence hid, brooding, biding its time.

Then, according to the Christian Cult, the invisible alien demiurge abducted a human woman and, using some unspeakable fertilization process, impregnated her with its foul putrescence.

The half-human, half-alien offspring of that ghastly human/alien union looked human, but possessed the terrifying intellect of its bizarre parent. The half man, half alien thankfully lived only a short time before the humans in the area cornered and killed it, but not before it unleashed untold devastation.

It preached a frightening dogma of punishment, suffering, pain and worthlessness. It told humans they were worthless worms, beneath the dirt, beneath contempt. From a position of supreme arrogance, it told the ignorant humans they were vile, sinful, corrupted and destined for horrid torture and punishment – unless they accepted him as their god and demanded they swear total subordination to him.

Those who threw themselves at the feet of the half-alien tyrant could expect to become his humble servants after they die, singing mindless praises to his divinity forever. Those that did not swear obedience could expect the most gruesome, most appalling, most inhuman torture possible forever after they die. Worst of all, the maniacal alien-man hybrid didn’t even give most humans a chance to surrender to him. The alien/man’s schizophrenic application of justice condemned most humans to his cosmic torture chamber without even the chance to submit to his tyrannical dogma.

Thankfully the Christian God’s alien/human hybrid was caught, killed, and sealed away in a crypt. But the thing lived on. Like a reanimated zombie, the alien/humans wounds regenerated. The punctured hands and feet scarred over. The dripping open viscera began to pulse with macabre unlife. Unbelievably, the thing stood, shattered the prison doors, and escaped. Before the local humans could kill it again, it flew into the sky, and returned to the terrifying, invisible Alien-God that spawned it– swearing vengeance, demanding obedience, and promising that it would return someday even more powerful, even more terrible, preparing to finish what it started, and destroy every human that dare defy earth’s new overlord.

The Christian cult still worships this bizarre alien/man abomination to this day. In unspeakable secret rights, forbidden to outsiders, they re-enact the alien’s gruesome death. Behind the closed doors of their churches they drink wine, pretending its the creature’s blood. They eat bread, pretending it’s the alien’s dead corpse. The cultists whip themselves into a hideous blood frenzy, chanting, swaying, some falling to the floor convulsing. The weep, scream, leap in the air, and bellow praises to their ghastly alien god, praying for the day it returns. Praying for the time it crawls forth from the blackness of space to burn their enemies in cataclysmic fire. Praying for the end of the world. The insane doomsday cult calls these terrifying apocalyptic events Armageddon.

They warn the rest of us they are right. That our judgment is near. That we are doomed to the alien god’s torture chamber if we do not swear allegiance to its half human-half alien abomination offspring. That we should be afraid, very afraid…

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One comment on “Mischaracterization of beliefs–a parody

  1. AndrewMiller says:

    That’s great! :) Obviously, how you say something is often more important than what you say.

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